Houston Imam’s ‘No Fun Patrol’ Declares War on Sinful Snacks, Spirits, and Smokes”’’

Houston, TX – a local imam has launched so-called “Sharia patrols,” personally visiting Muslim-owned businesses in Houston to urge the removal of products forbidden in Islam—such as alcohol, pork, cigarettes, and gambling-related goods.

In a move that has local business owners clutching cigar boxes and Chardonnay bottles with terror, a self-styled “Sharia Commando” has been making the rounds at Houston convenience stores, demanding shopkeepers dump everything prohibited under Islamic law: booze, pork, cigarettes, and what he called “scratch-off blasphemy tickets.”

Witnesses say the imam, armed only with righteous indignation and a battered clipboard, entered one store and asked the cashier, “Do you fear Allah… or the loss of your Slim Jim sales more?” Staff reportedly responded, “The IRS.”

Patrol members reportedly gave shopkeepers until “next lunar cycle” to repent—at which point, “the full fury of our strongly worded pamphlets will rain down upon you.” One shopkeeper, after being threatened with a “boycott by people who already don’t shop here,” promptly offered the patrol a fresh twelve-pack of Bud Light with Dylan Mulvaney to serve it, and some beef jerky to “ease negotiations.” It didn’t work.

Texas officials fired back faster than fireworks at a rodeo. Governor Abbott quipped, “We already have enough problems with California trying to ban plastic straws—leave Lone Star liquor stores alone!” Meanwhile, Ted Cruz threatened to introduce legislation requiring that all religious patrols be accompanied by Stormy Daniels and at least two mariachi bands accompanied by pigs on leashes.

This slapstick episode has sent social media ablaze, with memes of the “No Fun Patrol” chasing terrified bottles of whiskey around downtown. The imam has announced plans to expand the crusade next month to other cities and states.

Experts agree the only thing more forbidden than pork rinds and Jack Daniels is telling a Texan how to run a 7-11 convenience store. Stay tuned as the city braces for the first annual “Holy War Over Hot Dogs.