In what many are calling the most unorthodox maritime operation since Captain Jack Sparrow ran out of rum, President Donald J. Trump took credit for personally “blowing up the biggest drug carrying boat anyone’s ever seen.”

According to witnesses off the Florida coast, a small cargo vessel suspected of ferrying contraband was reduced to a smoky blur after Trump, who insists he was “just casually patrolling the ocean” aboard his speedboat MAGA Mariner, allegedly pressed a “very special red button” that he claims he keeps with him “at all times, just in case.”

“Folks, nobody else could have done it,” Trump told reporters at an impromptu dockside news conference, holding up a half-melted fishing rod as battlefield evidence. “The Coast Guard was there, the Navy was there, but quite frankly they were all waiting around. Then I did it—boom! It was like the 4th of July, but better, because it was me.”

Officials from the Coast Guard confirmed a boat was destroyed but refused to verify whether Trump had any involvement. “We’ll just say nature took its course… with a little help from a nearby golf cart battery,” said one officer, shaking his head.

Supporters immediately praised Trump’s naval heroics, with rallygoers chanting “Sea Navy Great Again!” Online memes showed him Photoshopped as a 19th-century admiral steering a cannon.

Critics, meanwhile, questioned the legality of a private citizen firing  torpedoes at suspicious vessels. Senator Bernie Sanders commented, “Look, it’s not a naval strategy, it’s Trump trying to deprive Hunter Biden of his drugs!.”

Trump remains unfazed. “It was tremendous—nobody’s ever sunk a drug boat faster. Except maybe me, next week. I might do two and next time I’ll be sure Hunter is in it.”

For now, fragments of fiberglass and 17 rogue shrimp are all that remain of what pundits are already officially dubbing The Battle of MAGA Mariner.