WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth took the stage at Marine Corps Base Quantico today, scanning the room full of admirals and generals with a critical eye—one that, rumor has it, can spot a fat General from 50 yards away. Breaking from tradition (and possibly the last doughnut tray), Hegseth declared, “It’s entirely unacceptable to encounter overweight generals and admirals in the Pentagon’s corridors.” The threat level? “Code Red Velvet Cake.”

Addressing “fat troops” and the Pentagon’s growing ranks of “plush leadership,” Hegseth called for new, tougher standards: daily physical training, twice-yearly fitness tests, and height and weight checks—officially making the military’s new motto, “Pants On, Pounds Off.” Generals were reminded that camouflage works best when you don’t blend in with the couch.

Hegseth didn’t mince words. “If the Secretary of War can do regular hard PT, so can every member of our joint force,” he noted, challenging officers to join him for a sprint—or, if that sounds too intense, at least a brisk walk to the donut shop.

For those who disagreed, Hegseth suggested the honorable option: a rapid retirement and a lifetime membership at the nearest Planet Fitness. “If your heart sinks hearing this,” he quipped, “maybe it’s just trying to avoid the next push-up.”

As new guidelines roll out, the message is clear: America’s military isn’t just fighting wars. It’s fighting waistlines. And with Pete Hegseth at the helm, burpees may soon be more common in the Pentagon than briefings.