To start with, we need to understand that the world is a giant bag of mixed nuts. Some of us are sweet, some of us are salty, and a few are just plain unsavory. You’ll find saints, sinners, and serial interrupters in every shade of skin, haircut style, and political affiliation.

People love to talk about “racists” as if bigotry is a special club with membership cards and meetings on Sundays. But let’s be honest—most so-called racists are just plain assholes. That’s right. There are no racists… just assholes who use race as their preferred flavor of idiotic hatred. If they couldn’t be racist, they’d still find a way to ruin someone’s day—maybe by double-parking or farting on an airplane.

Nice people don’t care what color you are—they’re too busy helping you jump-start your car, holding doors open, or sending you random “thought of you” texts. Assholes, meanwhile, come in every color too. They’ll cut you off in traffic, steal your parking spot, flirt with your spouse and pretend not to see you just got run over by a truck. Diversity doesn’t stop at kindness—it extends deep into the “irritating dick” department.

At the end of the day, it’s not about black, white, brown, or beige—it’s about being a decent human being. Color doesn’t determine kindness. Character does. And while we may never erase all the assholes, at least we can ignore them by not recognizing or talking about them. So maybe it’s time for America to stop classifying by race and start categorizing by behavior. Two groups: “Helpful Human Beings” and “Bigots in the Cloud (Asshole Division).” It’s not only accurate — it’s unifying.