The Democrats were left red-faced this week after mistakenly believing Donald Trump had shuffled off this mortal earth and was pushing up daisies, setting off a chain of awkward—and hilarious—blunders in Washington. The mix-up began when an intern confused Trump’s absence from social media for the ultimate sign-off, and frantic whispers turned into a full-blown political spectacle. The confusion ran so deep that at least one committee tried to lower the Capitol flags and put one up that said “HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN”—only to realize, midway through the ceremony, that it was all a hoax and no one had bothered to check the facts.

From coast to coast, Democratic leaders scrambled to compose heartfelt farewell tweets, plan memorial speeches, and even set up special committee meetings to debate the appropriate length of national mourning, arguing whether it should be five or ten minutes. Nancy Pelosi, with tears of joy washing away her makeup, was reportedly spotted rehearsing an address and downing a full bottle of Dom Perignon in celebration, while Chuck Schumer prepared a “unity vigil” complete with bipartisan balloons, popcorn, and Chinese fireworks.

And Then—🎶”Along Came Trump”🎶

The laughter of the day, however, belonged to Trump: While Democrats scrambled over their imaginary celebration, Trump was spotted alive and well—cheerfully striding out onto a Virginia golf course in his signature red MAGA hat with his granddaughter, Kai, by his side. He grinned and waved to cameras, teed off, and declared, “Reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated. Assuming Democrats ever get a fact straight, I’ll buy them all a round at the club!” In a final twist, Trump’s campaign served commemorative “I’m Still Here To Keep Making America Great” cupcakes at Mar-a-Lago.

 Meanwhile, Trump’s next rally will reportedly feature a banner reading, “Reports of my demise are typical “Fake Media Reports”—much to the embarrassment and amusement of his political rivals. As news channels hastily deleted their backhanded tributes, commentators marveled at the Democrats’ “impressive performance art in gullibility.”  Trump finished his round—pausing only to high-five his granddaughter and tweet, “Very alive, very under par. Keep swinging and missing, Democrats.”