WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a plot twist worthy of a Netflix binge, Congressional Democrats let the federal government grind to a halt—proving that if you can’t find consensus in D.C., you can at least find the off switch. Their red line? Demanding a funding bill that covers health insurance for undocumented immigrants, while roughly 8% of actual U.S. citizens still try their luck with WebMD and prayer.

Republicans accused the opposition of playing doctor with taxpayer dollars. “Instead of patching up Main Street, they’re proposing full body scans for everyone who hops a border,” quipped one senator, hastily investigating if his favorite strip joint counts as “essential services” in the shutdown.

Democrats, however, stood their ground—insisting a “compassionate society” can multitask, close the Grand Canyon, but keep the Emergency Room open for all. “We can’t just cover some of the people some of the time!” declared Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, waving a stethoscope like a gavel.

Meanwhile, furloughed federal employees are testing how long a can of beans lasts, and legal Americans without insurance are scouring YouTube for “How to Suture a Wound With Household Items.” The only thing Congress seems united on?  Making sure their own Congressional health plans are paid up, no matter who gets left waiting in triage